Anguish
by L122yTorch
Summary: Jim returns to the Enterprise from having been held captive on a planet that refused negotiation terms. Somewhere along the way, whether purposefully or not, he contracted a "bug" that will take his body a few days to shake off. So in the meantime, he gets to suffer through excruciating pain. Spock wants to take that pain away, but Jim won't let him.
1. Chapter 1

Jim felt like his blood was on fire. It pumped furiously throughout his body and his pulse thumped behind his tired eyes. He gulped hard, willing down the vomit.

A sound arose in the room, a soft swoosh. And there was Spock.

Ill-concealed shock washed over his features. Here was Jim, his captain, rolled up in a ball of pain in Med bay. Jim gritted out a smile, but it was entirely fake. His body was in a panic from the onslaught of pain and illness.

While held prisoner on the god-forsaken planet beneath the Enterprise, Jim was somehow infected or poisoned…with this illness that twisted his body in all sorts of pain.

His golden body seemed pale and small as he lay there on his side, facing Spock. The acting captain's face was struggling to contain it's expressions of fear, empathy and fury.

"May I come in," he said in what could be considered a "tender" tone. Man, I must really be fucked up, Jim thought to himself. "Sure, have a seat," he said.

Spock pulled a chair up close to the medical bed. As he got closer to Jim he could see his shockingly bright blue eyes better. His hair was a disheveled, his upper body had a thin blanket of sweat coating it, and the lines of his abdomen disappeared beneath black pajama pants.

Spock gulped, unsure…of what to say really.

"Doctor McCoy informed me that you will survive. That your system simply needs to eradicate this non-deadly sickness in the span of a few days. How are you doing?"

Just then a twist of pain wrapped it's hands around Jim's gut and turned violently. His left hand thrust into the sweat-soaked sheets beneath him and his mouth opened to let out a groan that his mind would not permit.

Spock moved forward slightly, noticing the jump on the monitors and seeing a twisted expression of pain spring onto Jim's face. He felt just as he did when Jim was dying; helpless.

Jim breathed through the pain and looked back at Spock as he heaved in thick breaths of oxygen. "Never been better," he said sarcastically.

"They cannot sedate you?" Spock inquired. "No," Jim answered in a huff of a breath. "Bones said that it would have an 'adverse effect' on me. That I either need to stay awake or sleep on my own accord…" his face knotted back into a ball of pain. "But…I can't sleep, I'm in too much pain."

Spock was breathing heavier than normal, there was a crushing weight in his side. His jet black eyebrows were drawn together in a look of pain and of consideration.

"I know that you want to attack them," Jim said, filling the beat of silence. "But we can't Spock."

The science officer looked genuinely confused, he even did that head cock thing that made Jim chuckle inside. "That does not sound like what you would normally say."

"I know…" Jim replied. "They agreed to negotiations and when they determined that they disliked our terms, they held you captive. It's a clear violation…"

"I know Spock, but if we attack them, we will lose," he hated to admit it, but it was the truth. "They have advanced weapons, scores of warriors and a diehard mentality. We've pacified them for the moment…enough to get me back aboard," Jim's blue eyes looked up at the angry and confused officer's.

"I do not wish to attack them all, but to bring justice to those who have cost us lives. And it would be my wish that you would trust my judgement," Spock looked indignant.

"They killed three of our officers, you watched them be murdered before your eyes. They tortured you and made you ill…" he continued. "I KNOW!" Jim said, his face blushing a deep crimson. "But if we shake the bee hive, they'll kill us all."

Despite being in charge, Spock felt as though he was being put in his place. Wrestled into a subordinate position. It angered him.

"Very well, we shall not attack, but instead meet at the rendevous point to consult the others on the next step," he said cooly, but the words were loaded.

If Spock could be pissed, this is what it would look like. The Vulcan began to stand but was stopped by Jim's hand that jutted out at the last minute and landed on his wrist.

"Spock," he began, but was painfully interrupted as another wave of gut-crushing pain swept through his body. This time a strangled groan slipped past his lips and his body tied into itself, trembling. He half pushed his face into the pillow as sounds that scared him ripped from his throat.

The monitor was beeping, but Bones told him that he could expect to suffer this way for atleast a day, if not two. There was nothing they could do.

Subconsciously Jim vice gripped Spock's wrist. Spock had drawn closer, the expression in his eyes close to panic. He was overwhelmed by an unbearable pain, his face wrenched into the same expression as Jim's. Suddenly he was gasping for air and forcing his mental shields to block what Jim was feeling, what Jim was transmitting through his touch. The pain was extraordinary.

When the episode subsided, Jim breathed heavily and his eyes trailed back to focus on Spock's. His mouth was parted slightly and he was making a soft grunting noise.

Shit. Fuck. Touch telepath stupid, Jim admonished himself. He went to remove his grip from Spock's wrist but only dragged the grip lower. It was too painful to remove the contact, the contact that he wished for.

They both looked at their hands, but Spock didn't pull away.

"Please…don't be mad at me," he said. "I just…can't handle that right now."

Spock shook his head. "I am not mad at you Jim," he replied.


	2. Chapter 2

"Do…do you think you could stay," Jim asked, the words slicing through the small space between the two. As soon as the words filled the air he felt foolish…like a child.

"Yes, I can stay," the Vulcan replied. "I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain Jim." The words sent a warm shiver through Jim's body.

"I'm sorry I was touching you, sorry that you experienced that pain," Jim said, his eyes closing. But still he didn't want to pull his hand away. Spock could sense the reluctance to remove contact bleeding into his thoughts from Jim's continued touch.

"Don't worry about it," Spock said.

They sat there for a bit, just listening to the soft noises of the medical equipment. Jim reveled in the contact he was being allowed with Spock. Absently his fingers moved around the Vulcan's wrist, until his fingers were trailing lower, to his hand.

Such a sense of relief flooded through to Spock that it made his stomach feel funny. A light green rose to his cheeks, as such contact was considered highly intimate by vulcan standards. Perhaps the gravity of the touches were lost on Jim. Perhaps they were not.

The moment of silent peace was ripped apart as Jim jerked his hand away from Spock's violently. He placed it back into the sheets and gripped the bed beneath him as his body was once again wracked with pain. This time he hid his entire face in the pillow beneath him. Muffled moans escaped from the pillow and Spock watched as his body bucked against the pain.

The sight made him feel ill.

A minute or two later when Jim's system had recovered Spock looked at him openly and said "Jim…I may be able to help. By mind melding with you, I can take some of your pain on as my own. It is likely to speed your healing process."

An incredulous blue gaze looked up at Spock whose chest was literally touching the bed he was so close.

Jim gulped. "Does…does that mean that you can see into my mind? See everything?" "Yes," Spock answered curtly.

Jim's eyes left Spock's and wandered down to the floor. "I don't think…I don't think it's a good idea."

Spock's expression hinted at confusion. "Why not?"

Jim didn't know how to respond. There were things…things that Ambassador Spock had shown him through their meld on Delta Vega, things he wasn't sure he should show Spock.

"You wish to hide something from me," Spock deduced in the time that was accumulating between his question and Jim's non-answer.

"Spock…" the words sounded strangled and charged. "I would never…" he closed his eyes in a long blink and regrouped, "I only want to do what will benefit you. What I do…or don't do…is for your benefit."

"I do not see how keeping secrets is beneficial in a relationship."

Fuck. Did he just say relationship? Jim sighed and despite his attempts otherwise, mentally flipped through what he had learned about their relationship through the meld.

Unbidden images flooded his mind. Images of himself kissing Spock, Spock kissing him back, writhing beneath him, humming on top of him. Jim wasn't aware that the monitor was betraying his speeding heartbeat.

He felt panicked, scrambling through the pain to come up with an explanation why he didn't want to meld when his body was screaming for it.

Spock huffed, frustrated and moved his body slightly, as if considering leaving.

"There are things from the meld that I…don't know if I should…" he heard his mouth blurt out as the pain crept back up.

"What meld?" Spock cocked his head for the second time that night, it had to be a record. Jim knew he was fucked.

"The meld with you on Delta Vega." Spock's eyes went wide. "Not you…the other you, the Ambassador Spock," he whimpered as nausea floated up his throat.

The monitors protested in an attempt to weasel into the already strained conversation. "You…melded with the older me?" Spock said, his voice carefully layered over emotions that Jim didn't have the mental capacity to discern.

Jim slammed his teeth together and groaned. "Spock…" he managed before his body lurched up and over the bed to retrieve a bowl to puke in. But he was failing to reach it, to grasp it with a shaking hand.

Spock retrieved it and held it beneath Jim as he emptied the contents of his already hungry and aching stomach into it. His hand was firmly on the back of JIm's hand. It felt warm and good.

"Are you done," Spock asked. "Yes," Jim answered as Spock pulled away the receptacle and set it down, his hand still in place, between the short gold strands of hair at the back of Jim's head, still craned over the floor.

Spock was so close, he felt such an urge to reach out and pull him into his feeble body. Spock looked down at him, Jim looked up at Spock. Desperation, panic, and lust rolled off of him in waves. He wondered if Spock could feel it.

"I am hurt that you feel you cannot share with me…whatever it is that you wish to conceal," Spock said. He was fully unprepared for the look of pain and desolation that screamed through Jim's features.


	3. Chapter 3

Watching Spock disappear out of med bay was painful. Quickly after their words ceased, the moment became awkward. Spock wanted to help. Jim wouldn't let him. And so it was only logical that he return to his quarters, or the bridge, or wherever he should be during whatever-the-fuck-o'clock it was.

What was he supposed to do? Let Spock into his head? Let him see everything? That thought made Jim's blood run cold.

He hadn't exactly had a pristine childhood, hell, he started his juvenile record with grand theft auto, evading the police, disobeying a direct order from law enforcement and destruction of property. The handful of years that followed that were a nightmare. Kronos was a nightmare. He had done so many questionable things.

And then there were the memories…Spock Prime's memories. An erotic groan escaped his lips at the thought, but he tried to turn the tail end of it into something that sounded like he was in pain.

It must have worked too, because Bones came in.

"Hey buddy," he said with a look of pity on his face. He was being unusually nice…and patient…and that scared the shit out of Jim. "God…how bad is this?" he said, curling into himself once more. Bones observed the tortured expression and the sick green pallor of his friend's skin. It reminded him of zipping up Jim's dead form in a body bag. He tried to steady his emotions.

"I…you'll be fine," he said, visibly shaking off whatever thought he was going to lead with. He reached out and adjusted some piece of equipment.

In that moment of silence Jim felt so tempted to spill to Bones, to tell him of his predicament. But he already knew what Bones would say, how he'd react. He'd pitch a fit and tell him that he better not dare to let that green warlock into his head. He'd tell Jim he was screwed up enough, and he didn't need to go sharing it with others.

"JIM," Bones said exasperated. Whoops, I guess McCoy had been talking. "Yeah?" "What's wrong?" His friends stare bored into his, concern flickering across the hazel eyes. Jim felt like puking again. "You mean besides feeling like I'm dying?"

"Oh Jim, don't be such a diva," he said as he scribbled something down in his PADD.

"Hey, if anyone would know that feeling, it'd be me," JIm smiled weakly, but the doctor didn't find that particular memory amusing.

Jim's mind scrambled, all he wanted was for Spock to come back, but he knew the only way that would happen is if…

"Seriously Jim…" Bones said angrily. "What is on your mind? You've got the galaxy's worst poker face right now, clearly you're preoccupied with something."

Kirk felt cornered.

"I…upset Spock."

"Shocking!" Bones said, the words dripping with sarcasm. "Who gives a fuck. How can the guy possibly be upset with you? You nearly died?! Fucking Vulcan," he muttered under his breath.

A beat of silence. Then another.

"Well…are you going to tell me how you upset him?" he asked, dropping his PADD to his side. He was wearing that expression that said 'well…don't keep me waiting fucker'. Jim's heart rate was accelerating and he mentally cursed the devices that made this apparent to Bones.

How did he end up in this situation anyway? Sick as a dog, upsetting his first officer, and about to either lie to or upset his best friend.

"I…" words were failing him, so instead he exhaled heavily as another wave of pain rumbled through his body. "I can tell you later Bones, but…could you get him back here?"

A flash of disappointment flitted across McCoy's face. "Sure Jim," he said, turning to leave the room. Even his tone sounded disappointed.

Jim shifted on the sweat soaked bed beneath him, pain tearing at the corners of his vision that turned fuzzy in defiance. Ten minutes or so went by, and he realized how detrimental it was to not stay focused on something other than himself, than his pain.

"Jim," McCoy's voice returned. The brunette man in the science blues peeked his head into the room. "Pointy is busy with some conference vid or something, he said he'd be here in about two hours."

"Mmmkay," Jim managed to say through the stinging synapses running like fire through his muscles. Bones looked as if he was going to say something, but instead turned and left the room.

Great…two whole hours to think about…Spock. About melding, it's consequences, it's benefits, the effect it would have on their relationship. Relationship? Jim thought to himself…did I really just use that word?

He didn't want Spock to know about the feelings he harbored for him. He didn't want Spock to peel back those layers of emotion and find the desperation and need and lust that waited there.

He'd jacked off thinking about Spock. Would he see that? Gooooodddd….whyyyy? He twisted in the bed, his eyes sealed shut.

It was so easy to replay the quick snap of sadness and frustration that ran though Spock when he denied him the meld. To Spock it wasn't about taking Jim's pain away…not anymore…now it was…what is Jim hiding from me? Does he not trust me? Are we not truly friends?

Jim was screwed.

If he denied Spock's assistance, he knew that the Vulcan would shut down on him as a friend, and that thought was even scarier than the thought of melding. So the conclusion Captain James T. Kirk came to, as he waited anxiously in bed feeling like his limbs were on fire, was that this course of action was unavoidable; he had to meld with Spock.


	4. Chapter 4

It seemed like literally the longest two hours of Jim Kirk's life. The intense pain continued to flood Jim's body. He wished he could fall asleep or pass out or something, but instead he remained awake and awaiting Spock's arrival.

It felt like he'd never come. Jim curled up into a ball and grasped at the sweat soaked sides of his medical gown. He was hissing through his teeth with eyes closed tight when Spock showed up. He didn't even notice the other man standing at the foot of the bed.

"Captain?" Spock nearly whispered. Jim opened his eyes and tried to even his breathing. He knew he must look terrible. "Hey…Spock," he finally got out. Looking at his first officer, he could see an unnerving concern that was thinly veiling other emotions. But as Jim's body contracted all it's muscles, his eyes began to water and he just couldn't figure out what Spock's expression meant at the moment.

Spock moved from the bottom of the bed to the side where Jim lay. The moisture in Kirk's eyes leaked out and slid down his hot face. He'd never been in so much pain in his entire life. Which is saying a lot for a man whose been involved in so many bar brawls.

The only other time he'd hurt like this…was when he was dying.

The memory flew to life in his mind. The way it felt to gasp for air and instead to choke on nothing as his lungs failed.

"Jim," Spock said with traces of panic in his voice.

Unfortunately, the monitors had reflected Jim's panic and beeped alerts of a temperature too high and a heartbeat too fast.

"Jim, you alright?" Bones came rushing in. "Yeah…yeah Bones I'm fine. Sorry, I just…can I just get a moment alone with Spock?" Bones' brows buckled together, his scowl falling on the alien. "Fine…" the doctor conceded. "But if you need anything…if you feel worse…you tell me IMMEDIATELY," he said, putting extra emphasis on the last word. Jim nodded and McCoy disappeared reluctantly.

Jim looked up at Spock who drew even closer, placing a hand on the top of the bed and leaning over his captain.

"Spock…the way you looked at me earlier when I said I wouldn't meld with you…" "Captain, it is alright, it is entirely your decision…" "Spock, let me finish," Jim gulped. "I don't want to lose your friendship, there's nothing I would do to even jeopardize it. I don't want you to think that I'm hiding things from you," his heart rate picked up again.

"I do not want you to feel forced in to sharing things with me captain," Spock responded. "I simply sought to ease your pain."

"I know, and I appreciate that, I do…" Jim took a few deep breaths. "I want to know one thing before I agree to it though…" "What do you want to know?" Jim closed his eyes for a moment and played with his top lip in his bottom teeth. "Will it hurt you? I don't want to hurt you Spock."

Spock pushed down (or at least attempted to push down) the emotions that came swelling into his chest. "I…I do believe it will cause me some discomfort," Spock answered carefully. "But Vulcans have an unusually high pain tolerance and the pain I experience should only be temporary."

Jim twisted his feet nervously in the sheets. His body screamed for some relief, any relief. But…Spock would know…everything…if he did this. But he had already decided to do it, that's why he called Spock here…he couldn't back out now.

"Okay," Jim sighed. "Let's do it."

Spock's eyes flickered. In that moment he looked genuinely surprised.

"Pull up a chair. We can't tell Bones…he'd flip his lid."

"Flip his lid?" Spock said confused.

"It's an expression Spock…never mind…just sit down."

The science officer turned and retrieved a chair. His bright blue uniform was a soothing pop of color in Jim's tragically white room. His glossed black hair shifted slightly as he sat. And Jim considered this moment much as one would consider the moment before jumping off a cliff. This was it. He was so nervous that he bet Spock could feel it emanating off his skin.

With his jaw clenched tight, hands still balls of fists, he turned on his side and faced Spock who now sat close to his bed. His left hand gripping the bed beneath him, more out of anxiety than pain. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this nervous. It seemed easier to face the entire Klingon empire than to let Spock into his head.

"Are you ready Captain?"

"Jim…and…yes…."

Spock looked similarly uneasy as he lifted his right hand and brought it up to Jim's face. Before the fingers even fell on skin, Jim could feel a buzzing heat burning in the promise of the touch. Spock paused there, feeling the current of Jim's mind reaching out, before he rested his fingers on the man's face.

Slowly he brought his hand down and connected his fingers to the meld points.

All he could see, all he could feel was a raging current of excruciating pain. His mind gasped in agony as he tried to pull the very pain blinding his mind, closer to himself and further from his captain. There was the slightest ray of golden sunshine behind the angry red, and he reached for it, he focused on it as he drew in some of the pain.

He could feel Jim's anxiety…but it wasn't over his present condition…it was tied to the idea of the meld, and it was so powerful that he could feel it in spite of the pain. In trying to back away from that anxiety, Jim did the exact opposite, and thought of the very things he wished most to conceal.

He could sense shock emanating from Spock in the meld as he accidentally projected himself dreaming of Spock, thinking of Spock, desiring Spock, jerking off to the idea of Spock as he stood against the shower wall.

Images and clips of tiny mental videos from the meld with Spock Prime swam by like a picture book being flipped. Kirk was kissing Spock, but he looked different, Jim looked different. And they were in bed, making love, and in the shower together, and in an empty lab and Jim was kissing down his neck and feeling up inside of his science blues. And he could feel Jim's arousal as his captain stood behind him, grinding into him. It was hard to breathe.

And he saw himself on the other side of the glass and tried to gasp for air…but was filled with pain instead. He watched the only tear he had ever shed, slide down his own face. And Jim experienced a burst of fury as he felt his, Spock's, fist, connecting over and over and over with Khan's body.

That morphed into Jim's body. But he was just a boy, and his stepfather was beating him, but he didn't cry. He wouldn't cry. Wouldn't let him win. His whole youth felt like an avalanche of tragedy.

And such anguish and torment bloomed to life on Jim's side of the meld. He didn't know how to control his own thoughts, he didn't understand how to react to a meld. And he heard Spock think this as the first officer tried harder to focus on taking the pain away instead of seeing into his friend.

But he saw himself walking out of Jim's room, here in med bay, and felt the overwhelming loss and grief that Jim felt when he had walked away. Saw how Jim's mind blazed with panic and such a beautifully bright affinity for his friend. Friend. Spock was his friend. And he felt the guilt Jim felt as the captain sat in his room and unsuccessfully pushed away the feelings he had for Spock.

His hand slid down to his pants and he opened the fly and slid the black material down, taking himself in his hand and wondering if this is all he would ever have. Images he shouldn't have seen of a life that wasn't really his. It was better to have Spock like this than to not have him at all right? And so Jim stroked his length, feeling it pulse around his hot hand, dragging the precum down from the bright pink head and using it to move his hand faster and faster…until he pulsed out a steady stream of hot white liquid as he thought of a thousand images of himself and Spock pushing into one another in another universe.

Jim felt like he was violating Spock Prime…the meld…his Spock…everything…but he couldn't back away from that brilliant feeling it gave him. His desire for Spock almost painful.

This is exactly what I didn't want you to see, Jim thought, the meld twisting with embarrassment and a naked vulnerability that ripped open and poured out fear. Fear of losing Spock. Because of this. He should have suffered in pain. Suffered alone. Like he always had…like he always would.

It was too much. All of these thoughts, swirled in and buried with all of the pain that Spock was attempting to pull away from his captain. He tried to keep his thoughts quiet, but he knew that he had projected shock and surprise when the pain threw a crack into his control.

"Try to silence your mind Jim, he thought. Try. Focus on me and the meld. Focus on keeping your mind still," Spock said. Hearing Spock's voice in Jim's mind was jarring. It spiked his fear but he did his best to keep his mind at peace so that Spock could take some of the pain away. He could feel the pressure of it pulling away, like when his best friend Danny would yank out his baby teeth. It was as if the pain was being purged.

And then there was light. Blinding bright light.

He could hear Bones screaming at him.

"What the hell do you two think you're doing!" Bones yelled as he flashed a light into Jim's eyes. Another doctor was hanging onto Spock whose body seemed like dead weight, his head lulling into his chest.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Bones yelled, hitting Jim with a hypo to bring down his heart rate. "I…mind meld…we melded" Jim managed to get out. Bones huffed out the most exasperated noise Jim thought he had ever heard his friend make.

"Get a bio bed in here," the other doctor shouted. Spock was out cold. "Is he okay?" Jim's eyes went wide with fear. He propped himself up on his elbows and watched as his friend was put on a bio bed.

After a few moments of the doctors swooshing around and taking readings, and Jim holding his breath, Bones finally said "yeah…he's fine. He's in a healing trance."

"You couldn't have at least warned me you were going to do this!?" Bones turned back towards Jim angrily.

"I…you…you never would have allowed it!"

"Damn straight!" McCoy growled. "Get him hooked up to a monitor," Bones barked to a nurse as he pointed to Spock.

Jim's mind raced. He looked blankly at Spock was unmoving in the bed, aside from a slight rising and falling of his chest. Bones was beyond furious, but as he looked at Jim, he had to admit that he was looking a lot less nearly dead.

This would usually be the point where Jim would grin and say something like 'see Bones, it worked!' but he was feeling far too shaken to be smug. Instead he settled on "sorry Bones."

McCoy just blankly stared at him…clearly not buying it.

"When do you think he'll wake up?" Jim asked, suddenly feeling extremely exhausted. "I really don't know Jim," was the reply.

Jim had a thousand thoughts knocking on the door to his head, but his eyelids just felt so heavy. Sleep was a far better course of action than panic right? He blinked, tried to keep an eye on Spock, but failed as he fell into the welcome darkness of sleep.


End file.
